At age 85, you’re happy to be healthy and living longer than you ever expected. But money is running out. Not only will you be unable to leave your children the inheritance they’re expecting, but funds are getting tight for you as well. What do you say to your kids?

The first step is to establish a budget and know exactly how bad the situation is. You may be able to do this on your own, or you may want to find non-profit credit counseling services that could help. Your children can assist if you are comfortable with that. It’s very likely that their first question when you start talking about this will be along the lines of “How bad is it?” You will either need to have an answer, or be ready for them to start asking more detailed questions. So if you don’t want them involved in the details of your finances, make sure you can answer them clearly about the bottom line: How much more money do you need each month to continue getting by?

A good way to start this conversation might be something like “Barbara. I’m a little embarrassed to tell you this, but I’m afraid I’m running short on money. I had planned everything just fine, but I was expecting to be dead by now. Can we talk a little about this? Or can you help me figure out what I should do?” Many children will be more than happy to get involved and figure out solutions. Before the conversation starts, make sure that you know what it is you want from your child. Do you want them to financially help you, help you plan or help you find a professional financial advisor? You will always be more effective in this sort of conversation if you know what you want from it.

CAREGivers from Home Instead Senior Care can make a difference in your life by providing companionship and support.

At age 70, you know you need to start thinking about end-of-life issues. Your children say you’re young yet and keep putting off the subject. How do you begin a serious discussion that your kids can’t ignore?

Remember, when it comes to end-of-life issues, you’re the key person. These are primarily your decisions and so you can go ahead and think about them without input from anybody. There are many resources that could help you put together something like a living will or advance directive. You can produce it and give it to the children. (See the section in this guide on advance directives.) That will force the discussion. If they disagree with what’s in the document, it’s up to THEM to initiate a discussion.

Appointing a power of attorney can also be a way to focus the discussion. If you want to do this, start with: “Judy. I know that stuff about dying is hard to talk about, but I am at an age when I really need to make some plans. I’d like you to have power of attorney if I ever get into a situation where I can’t make decisions for myself. Would you be willing to help me by doing this?”

CAREGivers from Home Instead Senior Care can make a difference in your life by providing companionship and support.

You’ve just attended the third funeral of a close friend within a year’s time. The toll of all these losses is starting to wear on you emotionally. You’d like more support from your family, but how do you ask?

If you are losing a lot of friends and are feeling sad or hopeless, then you may need some more substantial assistance: Depression is not something to take lightly, and it can be treated effectively. Don’t be embarrassed to talk to your doctor about these kinds of issues. Being sad all the time is not a “normal” part of aging. So don’t necessarily think that family members are going to solve this problem. However, support and companionship from your family can definitely help.

If family members live nearby, try to set up a regular time for getting together. “Hi Son, how are you doing? Listen, I’ve been feeling like I just need someone to talk to a little more. Is there one evening each week when I could buy you dinner and we could just chat?” If family is far away–physically or emotionally–consider contacting the Home Instead Senior Care network. The company has many compassionate CAREGivers who would be willing to provide you companionship and support.

CAREGivers from Home Instead Senior Care can make a difference in your life by providing companionship and support.

The communication gap that occurred when Boomer children were teenagers may repeat as seniors struggle to find the right words to talk to their kids about sensitive subjects.

Independence, money, health and romance can leave tongue-tied even senior parents who are close to their Boomer children. How do seniors tell their adult children they want to stay in their own home versus going to a nursing home? What does a widower say to the kids when he’s dating a family friend? How does a widow tell her children that she has cancer? How do older adults explain that they’re becoming forgetful without sending their family into a panic?

The “40-70″ Rule® was all about talking sooner rather than waiting until a crisis had occurred; the idea being that if you’re 40, or your parents are 70, it’s time to start talking. The same is true of the “70-40″ Rule®. If you’re 70 and your kids are 40, it’s time to start talking about some of the issues of concern to older adults as they age. And it’s never too late to begin a meaningful conversation with the kids.

The “40-70″ Rule® is based on original research conducted by Home Instead Senior Care, which discovered that nearly one-third of adults in the U.S. have a major communication obstacle with their parents that stems from continuation of the parent-child role. That same dynamic–and others–can come into play as well for older adults dealing with their Boomer children. If you’re a senior with adult children, the 4070talk.com Web site can help you break the ice with your kids, before a crisis has occurred and even after one already has happened.

CAREGivers from Home Instead Senior Care can make a difference in your life by providing companionship and support.

1. Be assertive . . . 
   There will be situations where people talk to you in ways that are inappropriate. You may be patronized, put down or abused, even by family members. Assertiveness involves figuring out what you need in a specific situation, stating that clearly and definitively so that the other person can’t fail to understand. Then don’t allow the conversation to be sidetracked onto other issues.
2. . . . Not aggressive.
   Aggressive communication includes negative personal attacks on the other person as well as insults. Even if they make you feel good, these attacks are unlikely to be helpful and will probably just reinforce someone else’s negative perception of you. When the focus becomes the other person, you’ve lost the ability to talk about what you want to talk about.
3. Be selective.
   Pick your battles. In some circumstances it may be easier to walk away or go along with something. You can’t fight every battle or you’ll exhaust yourself and alienate those around you. Save the assertive behavior for the situations where it is most important; that will also make it more effective.
4. Optimize your energy.
   Look for the places and times in which you are most effective in getting what you need out of conversations; plan to have important conversations at those places and times. If you’re more on your toes in the mornings, then arrange for meetings at that time so that you’re likely to get the most out of them.
5. Compensate for weaknesses.
   If you are having trouble hearing, or if it seems like people around you are not speaking clearly, get a hearing test and don’t feel embarrassed if you need a hearing aid. Some hearing loss is a normal part of aging, and can be very effectively dealt with. The same applies to other things: if you forget important things that you wanted to talk about with someone (whether a family member or your physician), get into the habit of keeping lists or notes to remind you.
6. Seek independence, avoid dependence.
   Seek social contact where people encourage you to do things yourself and where they challenge you mentally or physically. Avoid spending lots of time in situations where everything is done for you. Even if people are doing this out of love or respect, spending too much time in situations where you are passive is bad for you. It can literally be bad for your health to be waited on all the time. If you need help to remain independent, seek out resources such as the Home Instead Senior Care network.
7. Raise the issue. 
   Often there are issues that everyone knows are out there. Consider what your child might want to know, and if you have the opportunity to raise the issue, do it. A child may find it difficult to talk about a will. It’s relatively straightforward, though, for you to mention to your child that you have one and it’s all in order. If the topic is a difficult one, it is often helpful to “set the stage” by prefacing a conversation with “I want to talk to you about something . . .”
8. Defend without defensiveness. 
   Your child may come to you with what seems to be an accusation — perhaps it seems like your child is saying that you’re not safe to drive anymore. Think about how to defend against this without defensiveness. Conflict and anger rarely change minds, but frank and constructive discussions can. Offer to take a driving test or a defensive driving course to demonstrate your competence. If a child is suggesting taking away your car keys, consider offering a compromise (you won’t drive at night; you’ll reduce your driving). Looking for places where you are comfortable meeting someone halfway will increase your chances of getting your own way on the issues most important to you.
9. Look for points of agreement. 
   Even if you disagree with 90 percent of what someone is saying, don’t forget to point out where you do agree: common ground is a good starting point for resolving problems. Talking about where you agree also demonstrates that you’ve listened carefully to what the other person is saying.
10. Listen and put yourself in the other person’s shoes. 
    When children come to you with an issue, it’s normally because they’re concerned and because they care. Even if you don’t like what they have to say, appreciate why they are saying it. Remember feelings you had for your parents when you were younger, and think about the trouble you might have had in raising difficult issues with them. Your child is feeling that same anxiety, so even if you disagree, look for ways to express your appreciation for their motivation. “I know you’re saying this because you care about me.” Expressing gratitude, caring, love and appreciation demonstrates your desire to maintain a positive relationship, no matter what the outcome of the current conversation.

CAREGivers from Home Instead Senior Care can make a difference in your life by providing companionship and support.

Sandy is asking if it is appropriate for her mother, who was widowed after 50 years of marriage, to start dating? ~Mary Maxwel

Sandy from Charlotte, North Carolina writes “I have a question that I hope you can answer. My father
passed away three years ago at the age of 72. He and mother had just celebrated their 50th wedding
anniversary a few months before. They were always the perfect couple; a couple everyone admired.
That is why I can’t understand how my mother can be dating. For the last few months she’s been
spending a lot of time with a gentleman from church. They see movies together, go to dinner, and now
he wants her to go on a weekend trip. How can I make her see this is inappropriate?”

Sandy, dear, cool it. Your mother is not being inappropriate. 3 years is more than enough for a mourning period….especially at our age. One of the best proofs that a long marriage was a good one is that the surviving partner is not afraid of
another relationship. Now, to be honest, I’m hoping that my husband won’t actually bring a date to my
wake, but I certainly don’t want him to spend the rest of his life sitting in his recliner watching fox news
and thumbing through our wedding album. In fact, I’m thinking of making a list of some possible future
companions for him. I will also point out the person who, if he takes her to dinner, will make it necessary for me to come back to haunt him.

Simple to learn, important to manage. These three measurements for diabetes management should be kept as close to the recommended goals as possible to help avoid complications such as heart disease, stroke, kidney failure and vision problems.

The Home Instead Senior Care^® network has partnered with the American Diabetes Association to help diabetic seniors and their family caregivers successfully manage the disease so they can live life to its fullest.

Contact a Home Instead Senior Care office near you to learn more about what our CAREGivers^SM can do to encourage and help facilitate healthy choices for your loved one with diabetes.

Q.    Uncle Charlie is making some questionable decisions that he would never had made 10 or even five years ago, but I don’t think he has dementia. If the trend continues, however, I don’t see how this fiercely independent 79-year-old gentleman can continue to live alone. Any explanation for his recent run of wrong choices?

Trying to figure out why Uncle Charlie’s decision process has gone awry is best left to his medical professional. Recent research has shed new light on the kind of problems facing Uncle Charlie, but perhaps the best practical solution would be finding a professional caregiver – such as one from his local Home Instead Senior Care^® office – to help him remain in his home.

The study, which uncovered changes in the patterns of brain activity of those in their 70s, has offered fresh insight into why those seniors are worse at decision-making than young people. Poorer decision-making is a natural part of the aging process that stems from a decline in our brains’ ability to learn from our experiences.

Researchers also discovered that a Parkinson’s disease drug, L-DOPA, can help reverse age-related impairments in decision-making in seniors. L-DOPA, more commonly known as Levodopa, increases levels of dopamine in the brain.

The study from researchers at the Wellcome Trust Centre for Neuroimaging, London, England, was published in the journal Nature Neuroscience.

“Careful investigation into the subtle cognitive changes that take place as we age offers important insights into what may happen at both a functional and anatomical level in older people who have problems making decisions,” said Dr. John Williams, head of neuroscience and mental health at the Wellcome Trust. “That the (research) team was able to reverse these changes by manipulating dopamine levels offers the hope of therapeutic approaches that could allow older people to function more effectively in the wider community.”

Why not check out the benefits of assistance at home for Uncle Charlie. Personal and home care aides, like those employed by Home Instead Senior Care^®, are screened, trained, bonded and insured.  Oftentimes CAREGivers^SM are seniors themselves who share many of the same interests and hobbies with their clients.

Q.    Mom appears to be trending toward a gradual descent with the loss of memory. Her doctor, who wants her to see a specialist to get a better idea of what she is facing, believes she’s still safe in her home at 81. I just wish there was a pill she could take that would stop this hideous process in the brain. Is there new research out there showing anything on the horizon? 

Researchers are envisioning a “memory cocktail” with a combination of small molecules to improve different aspects of memory formation to efficiently treat cognitive disorders. They have discovered a mechanism – mTORC2 – by which memories are stored in the brain.

“Memories are at the center of our identity,” said Dr. Mauro Costa-Mattioli, assistant professor of neuroscience at Baylor College of Medicine and corresponding author of a report. “They allow us to remember people, places and events for a long time, even a lifetime. Understanding the precise mechanism by which memories are stored in the brain will lead to the development of new treatments for conditions associated with memory loss.”

Dr. Costa-Mattioli’s short-term goals are to identify human cognitive disorders in which mTORC2 activity is dysfunctional and to see whether its restoration can return impaired memory function in aging or even Alzheimer’s disease to normal. His team has identified two memory-enhancing drugs, but it might be too early to say if they can enhance memory in people.

A small molecule alone might not work. Similar to the treatments for HIV or cancer, he believes that a combination of small molecules improving different aspects of memory formation will be required for treatment. “We should start thinking about an efficient ‘memory cocktail’ rather than a single ‘memory pill.’ . . .  We may be years away from a decisive treatment, but I believe we are definitely on the right path,” he said.

The best way to help your mother now might be to plan for the time when she will need help to remain in her home. Call your local Home Instead Senior Care^® office to schedule an in-home evaluation. A CAREGiver^SM can help her with medication management, light housekeeping, meal preparation, companionship and transportation. CAREGivers are screened, trained, bonded and insured, and they can be hired for as little as three hours and up to 24/7.

Q. My 84-year-old dad is worried about occasional morning incontinence. I asked, “Could it be as simple as cutting back on coffee?” He joked that “it was the beginning of the end for me,” but I don’t think so. Instead of going out for coffee with his friends, he’s staying home more often and drinking coffee all morning.  I think his bigger problems are companionship. I’m not sure how that can be remedied. Any suggestions?

Your dad ought to schedule a doctor’s appointment, and he also should know about recent research that might put his mind at ease. Caffeine from as little as two cups of coffee has been tied to incontinence in men, according to the study, although exact reasons have not been determined. The study’s subjects who consumed the most caffeine were more likely to have problems with incontinence than those who took in the least.

Senior author Dr. Alayne Markland’s study conclusions were detailed in a story that was carried online by the U.S. National Library of Medicine. Dr. Markland’s research was conducted at the University of Alabama at Birmingham.

Caffeine intake “is something to consider,” Dr. Markland said. “People who are having problems with urinary incontinence should modify their caffeine intake and I think that’s part of clinical practice,” she added.

Earlier research had linked caffeine to incontinence among women, but not much was known about whether there is a similar connection for men. “We wanted to see if caffeine had an impact on them as well,” Dr. Markland said.

A CAREGiver could share morning coffee time with your father and help him make sure “the coffee hour” is just that long. CAREGivers are screened, trained, bonded and insured, and they can be hired for as little as three hours and up to 24/7.

CAREGivers from Home Instead Senior Care can make a difference in your life by providing companionship and support.